One of my favourite parts of flying is reading the Sky Mall magazine. If you don't know what that is, it's basically a shopping catalogue that they put in the front seat pocket in airplanes.
What makes it so fabulous? Well, it's full of hundreds of pages of the most pointless inventions, gadgets, clothes, lawn ornaments, pet products, anything and everything imaginable.
I was particularly irked during this flight because US Airways first decided to charge me $20 US dollars to check my luggage and then they decided to completely rob me of any complementary snacks.
That's right. A four hour flight and not one morsel of complementary food. Not even a cracker. I almost wanted to create some sort of scene and pretend I was anemic or something that would require me to eat (a moneyless anemic, mind you) to see if I could get a free meal out of it.
My blood sugar, my blood sugar! Must...eat...or...will..perish! (And then I would faint and probably start twitching for dramatic effect.)
Ah, so in my irked, less $20, hungry state, I couldn't sleep for very much of the flight. Instead, I turned to my trusty Sky Mall magazine to see what sort of amazingly pointless, yet awesome, goodies I could find.
It's like a shopping mall in the sky! I'm sure that's what those clever sons of guns came up with in advertising. Way to go, fellas.
Lucky for y'all, Sky Mall has a website, so I can share my personal favourites with you. Ahem.
This cosmetic product is 6-in-1. Yes, you read right. Six. That would be foundation, concealer, bronzer, blush, eyeshadow AND lipstick. In one. Oh, and did I mention it comes in one universal shade that can adapt to any skintone? Even if I wasn't a makeup artist, I'd still be saying "bullshit".
Ah, delicious bacon. If only it wasn't such a pain to make. But wait, you can get a Bacon Genie and microwave up to twelve strips of bacon all on your own! And look, it even has a dish to catch all the grease. Shucks, even a toddler could do it. It's good to get them started on the bacon when they're young, anyhow.
I know what's been missing in my life: the ability to make an eight inch tall cupcake.
Now your backyard can be home to Sasquatch. Except this one is only two feet tall. And horrendously ugly. Go on, put him next to your prized petunias. I dare you.
This is just some sort of "accident" waiting to happen. But apparently it's actually supposed to relieve stress. Rigghttt.
Why look at an ugly cat litter box when you can look at a cat litter box disguised as a planter! Woah! It's amazing. I mean, I thought that was just a planter in the corner, but then I got closer and realized it still smelled like cat shit and then saw your cat climb out of it. You're not fooling me.
But what's way cooler than a cat litter box disguised as a planter is a cat litter box disguised as a time machine! Now my cat can pee and time travel at the same time?! Amazing.
Now, I expect giant cupcake molds and cat time travel machines from all of you at Christmas time.