Woah!? A surprise you say? Er, I say. Yes. A surprise. I say: A surprise. Now that I've said it so many times, I expect you to have your surprised face good and ready. Fantastic.
Okay, so when I was getting ready for my photo shoot last week, I had to hunt around in Mother's basement for some props. And amongst the Christmas ornaments and discard toys, I found this:
What is it? It's a scrapbook. A scrapbook from the 8th grade. As in, when I was fourteen going on fifteen. As in, the most embarrassing thing I've come across in probably my entire life. As in, of course I took pictures of it to post on the internet.
Duh.
It's actually quite tragic. And I feel like the only way I can properly cope with my lame 8th grade self is to set the lameness loose on the rest of the world. Really, I'm trying to lessen my burden here.
Please take a long, hard look at those current pictures up there. And try to remember how cool and awesome I actually am. (I put three instead of one to really drive the point home.) Don't be fooled by lame 8th grade me. That was ten years ago. It doesn't count anymore. I'm pretty sure the statute of limitations on life and coolness is only about five years anyway.
Okay. Okay. I'm ready. Are you?
There I am. Fourteen year old me. And yes, I cut my own bangs. I mean, I asked my hairdresser to cut them crooked like that. It was totally popular in 2000. Yeah--white eyeliner and crooked bangs were all the rage.
These are my friends at grade eight prom. First of all, why did we have a prom at the end of grade eight? And second, baby blue was also apparently all the rage, along with crooked bangs. Carla there was the only rebel to wear something not blue. She also had amazing boobs for a 14 year old and that dress really showed them off. It was scandalous. Also, I'm not friends with any of these people anymore. Do they still like baby blue? Are they even still alive? I HAVE NO IDEA.
Obviously I had a sense of humour back then. Of course. I'm still waiting for that law of the universe to kick in.
My ideal age is 18 because then I am alone. And preparing for my future. Yeah. I actually was that lame and boring. In the dislikes section of this book I put "people who do not like school", and I described myself as a teacher's pet in the education section. I clearly hadn't discovered fashion at this age (and I have cringe-worthy pictures to prove it, full of ill fitting jeans and crop tops) so I had to soothe myself with books and learning instead.
A lot of this book is empty. Apparently my room was clean, but where's the photographic evidence? I don't believe it!
I listed my favourite song as "Gravity" by soulDecision. I'm not gonna lie: I still remember all the lyrics to that song. The music video was in a bowling alley and they floated. And here you go; you can thank me later:
And, also, yeah, I put Faith Hill down as one of my favourite singers. Britney Spears too. And, for reasons beyond my comprehension, I had Backstreet Boys down as one of my hated bands. Luckily, I realized the err of my ways there.
This is maybe the best page of the entire book. Because I list my ideal boyfriend as a "vampire, shape shifter, or other night-worlder." And our wedding would be elegant and magical and "not like human weddings". And I actually described Edward Cullen perfectly ... before I even knew he even existed! See. We are meant to be. Hmpf.
To my credit, I must've gone back through the book later, because at the bottom I claimed I had been on some sort of drug while writing it (obviously drunk with vampire love) and then on the opposite page I wrote a much more normal boyfriend description.
This was empty. There was something there originally, because the sticker was ripped. What did it say? What inane thoughts did I have for my twenty three year old self?
Actually, it's probably for the best that I never find that letter.
And there you have it. Now, quickly forget everything you just read and focus on my current level of cool. Which is really high. And awesome. High five.
