Tuesday, February 22

I have piles of irrational fears.

Like the title suggests, I have piles of irrational fears. Maybe even enough to put in to two piles. Two very large piles, though. Like, taller than me. (And we all remember how tall I am.)

I thought it would be fun to list some of my irrational fears. So then we can all laugh at what a bizarre (and--more likely than not--disturbed) person I am. And it's fun to laugh at weirdos. Don't listen to your mom: it really is fun. Try it some time. And don't forget to point for increased enjoyment.

Okay. OKAY. Ready? Set. Go:

1. I am afraid of ice skating. Because I could fall over and somebody could skate over my fingers and slice them off. First of all, think of how absolutely disgusting and terrible that would be. Second of all, OH MY GROSH, how disgusting would that be? Ew. A boy, who happens to work at a rec centre with some rinks, who also happens to be super-duper cute (this is only being mentioned for bragging purposes), told me that he's never, ever heard of anyone getting their fingers skated off. He said people have died, but no fingers have gotten skated off. And this actually relieves me to some extent--I'd much rather die than have my fingers skated off. If I was only given the choice between those two, I mean.

2. I'm afraid of skiing. Because I could get stuck on the ski lift, then jump down, break my legs, and get eaten alive by wolves.

3. I'm afraid of swimming in lakes. Because the feeling of kelp and other plant life against my legs reminds me of the feeling of hair, and wet hair grosses me out. Also, leeches are gross. And what if a fish bit me? They bite, don't they? Ew.

4. I am afraid of walking on narrow sidewalks on busy streets. Because I could somehow lose my balance and fall in to traffic and, BAM, get smooshed by a semi truck. Because that is what would be zooming by as I fell in to traffic. Like, what if I am walking along, minding my own business, and I slip on a patch of ice and go flying in to the street? Or what if it isn't winter, so there is no ice, but there is a dude walking his dog and the dog all of the sudden lunges and barks at me and it startles me, so I literally jump myself in to the street? Or what if there is no dog, but it's still warm out, so there is still no ice, but I am walking by a house and somebody is fighting with their significant other and throwing their things out of the front door and a suitcase full of clothes hits me and I end up tumbling in to traffic? And remember that there is always a semi truck zooming by, so, BAM, I'm smooshed. And dead. 

5. I'm afraid of walking up stairs that have no back to them. You know, the stairs that you can see through. Backless stairs? Floating stairs? How about: really-scary-to-walk-up stairs. For some reason, I am convinced I will somehow fall through the gap. I have to keep my eyes down to see exactly where my feet are stepping. If there is something obstructing my view (for example, if I am carrying a large box, not that I find myself carrying large boxes up backless stairs very often, but it does happen), I go very, very, very slow.

6. I am afraid of cutting up vegetables. Because I might chop my own finger off. It even makes me nervous to watch chefs cut vegetables up on TV shows. They go way too fast--they're just asking for it.

7. I am afraid of wet hair (as briefly mentioned before). I can't explain this, but wet hair makes me gag. And only when it's no longer attached to someone's head. The best example would be hair that is clogged inside of the shower drain. That kind of hair makes me want to vomit. Or if I am taking a bath, I hate the feeling of a stray, floating hair between my fingers. But I am completely fine running my fingers through my head of hair.

8. I am afraid of walking up stairs while holding a mirror. Because I could somehow lose my balance and fall forward, thus breaking the mirror, and then a piece of the mirror would slice through my neck, and I'd probably bleed to death. And get blood everywhere. Gross. A plate could probably also do the same thing. Or even a piece of plastic. Or how about if you were walking up the stairs with a pen and then you tripped and jammed the pen into your eyeball? At least then you'd get to wear an eye patch. But still.
I thought about going to 10, because 10 is a nice number to end a list on but, well, these are starting to get increasingly weird and I'm getting tired. Also, it's clear that I have an extreme fear of being cut, or having something cut off an appendage.

Also, it's clear that I'm probably insane.

Also, my fingers are best when attached to the rest of me.

1 comment:

  1. yes, some fish do bite. and it is not pleasant.
    i too stay out of the water