film review: Frozen

*This contains massive spoilers. Well, actually, I recount the whole film. My version is better, though.*

Frozen

Frozen was shown right after Wasteland as part of the volunteer screenings on opening night. I don’t know why I stayed. It looked terrifying from the trailer. But I was already at the theatre and didn’t have anything better to do.

Sleeping would have been better.

The film itself was terrible. Terrible script, terrible acting, terrible everything.

Did I mention terrible?

It was so implausible, but realistic enough to scare the crap out of me. I mean, cave monster movies I wouldn’t be so affected by because, really, there are no cave monsters. But getting stuck on a ski lift? Yea, that can happen.

In fact, I met a guy today who builds them in this area and he confirmed that yes, someone did get stuck on a ski lift. And yes, he jumped down. And yes, he broke about half of his body. Gross.

But, back to the movie.

After twenty minutes of really lame dialogue, they finally get stuck on the damn lift. And they cry and shout and then the chick decides to smoke a freakin’ cigarette and drops her glove. And then, after a few hours, one of the dudes decides to jump.

He jumps. And breaks his legs. But he doesn’t just break them. No, BREAKS them. They’re both bent out the wrong way and his lower leg bone is sticking out through his thigh. I know those bones have names, but I can’t be bothered to look it up. Femur? Yeah? Whatever it is, it’s poking out of his fucking thigh and looks disgusting.

At that point I was feeling nauseas.

And then the wolf pack came and ate him alive.

Seriously. Because wolves do that.

His best friend and girlfriend were stuck on the lift and had to listen to him scream while he was being eaten alive. That was the worst part for me. I can’t imagine how damaging that would be to have to endure.

Oh, but wait, while broken leg guy was bleeding, the other two threw down their warm winter gear so he could attempt to stop the bleeding.

At this point, I’m almost in tears I’m so upset. But it doesn’t stop there. The two remaining kids get cold and cold and yell and bond and then fall asleep. The chick, for some reason I can’t figure out, took her hand out of her coat while she was sleeping and stuck it on the bar.

It froze there. And then she had to peel it off.  A lot of her hand was stuck to the rail after that.

And then she wet her pants. While doing so, really sad, pensive piano music was playing. Because, really, after your boyfriend gets eaten alive by wolves, that’s the worse thing that can happen.

Remaining dude decides to shimmy across the wire and climb down the pole. His hands get all cut up, but he makes it!

And then the wolf pack chases him while he’s sliding down the hill.

They must be really hungry, eh.

The chick, she’s not fine, though. Nope. Because the chair is breaking!  Of course. And then it gets dark, and then it’s the next day. She’s totally wishing she was dead at this point and she finally decides to just jump down.

Broken legs? Nope. Because right as she’s about to let go, the chair breaks and she ends up close enough to the ground that she lands just fine.

Well, the chair falls on her leg, but no biggie.

She crawls her way down the hill, past the carcass of the other guy, still getting eaten by wolves. They give her a free pass and she keeps on crawling.

And then she makes it to the road and a car sees her and she’s safe!

But not really. Because there is nothing more fucked up than two of your friends getting eaten by wolves. And she’ll probably lose her hand from frostbite. And half of her face too.

So what did I learn from this film? Never go skiing, ever, for one. And the other things:

Always ski with a cell phone

Never be the last person on a ski lift, ever

Don’t bribe the ski lift guy, just pay for a regular ticket

Don’t jump off a ski lift

Don’t throw my gloves and scarf and other warm gear at a dude who is totes going to die anyway

And most important:

Always go to the bathroom before getting on the lift. You don’t know how long you’ll be up there for.