Tuesday, October 19

Greatest Resignation Letter Of All Time.

I'm quitting my retail job tomorrow. Yeah, I had a job. But only for three weeks. Just like school, I'm too cool for jobs. Actually, it's secretly depressing (well, not-so-secret anymore) that this job only lasted three weeks. I've been drowning my sadness in lots of ice cream. So, actually, it isn't so bad after all. And now I have all this extra time to eat ice cream.

I thought Aritzia would be a cool place to work. I mean, they have winged cats flying around in their windows. Any place with winged cats has to be awesome, right?


Instead of going on an on about how much I disliked working there, I thought I'd share with you the Pretend Resignation Letter I wrote. "Pretend" in that I will not actually hand it in; it's actually a real letter. You can see evidence of it's realness below. Maybe Secret Resignation Letter would be a better name. Or maybe I should just hand it in so I can rename it the Greatest Resignation Letter Of All Time. Hmm.

To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing in order to inform you that I am resigning as a Sales Associate at Aritzia Sherway Gardens. My last day of work will be Wednesday, October 20, 2010. Yes, today.  
I would like to express my sincere appreciation at having been given the opportunity to work at Aritzia, even though just for a short time. After careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that I am just not the right fit for Aritzia. It was a surprise to me too--don’t worry. I mean, I’m so awesome . . . but sometimes awesomeness just isn’t enough.
Firstly, I just don’t think I am clever enough to be a good Aritzia employee. For example: during both of my interviews, I said that I would be out of town from October 23 to November 1st. I was up-front with this information because honesty is always the best policy. (Except this one time that I drank the last of my brother’s chocolate milk and he was really angry so I blamed it on my mom.) When I told both the store manager and district manager about being out of town, they wrote down the dates, nodded, and said “okay”. I took this to mean that the time off had been authorized. Silly me. It turns out that there is a special form you have to fill out that I didn’t think to ask about because I didn't know it existed. So when my name was put on the schedule to work while I was away, I only had myself to blame.
As well, I used to think I was a good multi-tasker, but it turns out I am not. I thought being able to accomplish two tasks at once was impressive, but I’ve learned at Aritzia that it isn’t about accomplishing tasks: it’s about keeping busy with as many things as possible. Sometimes up to five. Here I’ve been thinking that there is value in seeing a task through from start to finish, but it turns out that is not the case.
From my past retail experience, I had been trained to think that everything from maintaining to re-stocking to getting new shipment out on the floor to doing security checks to customer service was an important part of a successful retail store. Now I know that the most important thing is sales goals.
I will admit that I am not the best sales person—in fact, I suck—so it was a relief to hear that Aritzia employees didn’t work on commission. And anyway, I know that I would only want to achieve my sales goals for the simple satisfaction and peer respect instead of money. “Why would anyone want a monetary reward for their sales achievements?” is what I always say. It’s so good that Aritzia has its priorities sorted.
I thought that maybe my other retail skills would be valued at Aritzia, but I soon realized how this was a foolish thought. And I think you feel the same way as I do about me not being a good fit: in less than two weeks of employment, my hours were being drastically cut. (And I hadn’t even been properly trained yet!)
But, I really do have to commend you on being able to see how expendable I was in such a short amount of time. If you hadn’t judged me with such a lack of regard, I might have never figured it out myself. So, thank you.
All in all, I think we can both agree that parting ways is for the best. Thank you again for the opportunity. And the jacket--it’s really nice.

Tomorrow will be my last shift. I will have to fight the urge to run around the store high-fiving everyone from the sheer joy of it all.

I Just Quit Five!


  1. Seriously- you need to hand that resignation letter in.... It's in no way rude, or disrespectful- it says what needs saying, and is hilarious to boot!

  2. After they called me an hour before my last shift to say I wasn't needed, I decided they definitely needed to read it. So I handed it in. Win!

  3. I have an interview with Aritzia and everyone is trying to convince me to go and I'm doing everything in my power to convince myself NOT TO. I can't even step in there without feeling the bitch-tastic atmosphere. I LOVE YOU LOL.



    Dear COMPANY,

    I am writing to inform you of my resignation effective immediately. The many months I have spent working here have been a colossal waste of my time, and I see no reason to continue.

    Your business is the most poorly run company on planet earth I can imagine, and it is absolutely amazing that it continues to hang on.

    Please send my final paycheck to my home address.


  5. I can't see the disrespectful part, but the part where the "honestly is the best policy". This resignation letter is so cool - but your cooler ;-)

  6. I just came across this... I worked at the Square One location for a little under a week and left... So since 2010 (I was "hired" in 2013) things have gotten much worse.

  7. Considering quitting the company as I write this. They have no respect for their employees whatsoever. I am not wasting my valuable skills any longer at such a shitty company. If only the world knew what it was like to be an employee, the place would be out of buisness!

  8. lol this is amazing, im writing my resignation letter for Aritzia like RIGHT NOW.