Tuesday, October 19

Greatest Resignation Letter Of All Time.

I'm quitting my retail job tomorrow. Yeah, I had a job. But only for three weeks. Just like school, I'm too cool for jobs. Actually, it's secretly depressing (well, not-so-secret anymore) that this job only lasted three weeks. I've been drowning my sadness in lots of ice cream. So, actually, it isn't so bad after all. And now I have all this extra time to eat ice cream.

I thought Aritzia would be a cool place to work. I mean, they have winged cats flying around in their windows. Any place with winged cats has to be awesome, right?

Wrong.

Instead of going on an on about how much I disliked working there, I thought I'd share with you the Pretend Resignation Letter I wrote. "Pretend" in that I will not actually hand it in; it's actually a real letter. You can see evidence of it's realness below. Maybe Secret Resignation Letter would be a better name. Or maybe I should just hand it in so I can rename it the Greatest Resignation Letter Of All Time. Hmm.



To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing in order to inform you that I am resigning as a Sales Associate at Aritzia Sherway Gardens. My last day of work will be Wednesday, October 20, 2010. Yes, today.  
I would like to express my sincere appreciation at having been given the opportunity to work at Aritzia, even though just for a short time. After careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that I am just not the right fit for Aritzia. It was a surprise to me too--don’t worry. I mean, I’m so awesome . . . but sometimes awesomeness just isn’t enough.
Firstly, I just don’t think I am clever enough to be a good Aritzia employee. For example: during both of my interviews, I said that I would be out of town from October 23 to November 1st. I was up-front with this information because honesty is always the best policy. (Except this one time that I drank the last of my brother’s chocolate milk and he was really angry so I blamed it on my mom.) When I told both the store manager and district manager about being out of town, they wrote down the dates, nodded, and said “okay”. I took this to mean that the time off had been authorized. Silly me. It turns out that there is a special form you have to fill out that I didn’t think to ask about because I didn't know it existed. So when my name was put on the schedule to work while I was away, I only had myself to blame.
As well, I used to think I was a good multi-tasker, but it turns out I am not. I thought being able to accomplish two tasks at once was impressive, but I’ve learned at Aritzia that it isn’t about accomplishing tasks: it’s about keeping busy with as many things as possible. Sometimes up to five. Here I’ve been thinking that there is value in seeing a task through from start to finish, but it turns out that is not the case.
From my past retail experience, I had been trained to think that everything from maintaining to re-stocking to getting new shipment out on the floor to doing security checks to customer service was an important part of a successful retail store. Now I know that the most important thing is sales goals.
I will admit that I am not the best sales person—in fact, I suck—so it was a relief to hear that Aritzia employees didn’t work on commission. And anyway, I know that I would only want to achieve my sales goals for the simple satisfaction and peer respect instead of money. “Why would anyone want a monetary reward for their sales achievements?” is what I always say. It’s so good that Aritzia has its priorities sorted.
I thought that maybe my other retail skills would be valued at Aritzia, but I soon realized how this was a foolish thought. And I think you feel the same way as I do about me not being a good fit: in less than two weeks of employment, my hours were being drastically cut. (And I hadn’t even been properly trained yet!)
But, I really do have to commend you on being able to see how expendable I was in such a short amount of time. If you hadn’t judged me with such a lack of regard, I might have never figured it out myself. So, thank you.
All in all, I think we can both agree that parting ways is for the best. Thank you again for the opportunity. And the jacket--it’s really nice.
Cheers,
S.

Tomorrow will be my last shift. I will have to fight the urge to run around the store high-fiving everyone from the sheer joy of it all.

I Just Quit Five!

8 comments:

  1. Seriously- you need to hand that resignation letter in.... It's in no way rude, or disrespectful- it says what needs saying, and is hilarious to boot!

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  2. After they called me an hour before my last shift to say I wasn't needed, I decided they definitely needed to read it. So I handed it in. Win!

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  3. I have an interview with Aritzia and everyone is trying to convince me to go and I'm doing everything in my power to convince myself NOT TO. I can't even step in there without feeling the bitch-tastic atmosphere. I LOVE YOU LOL.

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  4. THE CHICK IN THE PIC IS CUTE!!!

    BUT HERE IS WHAT I WOULD HAVE HANDED IN...

    Dear COMPANY,

    I am writing to inform you of my resignation effective immediately. The many months I have spent working here have been a colossal waste of my time, and I see no reason to continue.

    Your business is the most poorly run company on planet earth I can imagine, and it is absolutely amazing that it continues to hang on.

    Please send my final paycheck to my home address.

    Cheers,

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  5. I can't see the disrespectful part, but the part where the "honestly is the best policy". This resignation letter is so cool - but your cooler ;-)

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  6. I just came across this... I worked at the Square One location for a little under a week and left... So since 2010 (I was "hired" in 2013) things have gotten much worse.

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  7. Considering quitting the company as I write this. They have no respect for their employees whatsoever. I am not wasting my valuable skills any longer at such a shitty company. If only the world knew what it was like to be an employee, the place would be out of buisness!

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  8. lol this is amazing, im writing my resignation letter for Aritzia like RIGHT NOW.

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