Wednesday, November 17


I'm going to the doctor on Friday. This wouldn't be such a bad thing, except I am getting vaccinations and a TB test. And that wouldn't be such a bad thing, if I were a normal person.

But I am not a normal person. Oh, no. I'm way too awesome to be "normal". (Other adjectives that also apply are the following: fantastic, rad, super, cool, wicked, amazing, weird, quirky, dorky, special [but only in the positive sense, not the backhanded way often used when referring to stupid people], etc.)

Where was I? Oh, right. I'm awesome.

I'm awesome and I also have a crippling phobia of needles. This is an actual legitimate fear.

Now, I have piles of irrational fears. For example, sometimes if I'm walking on a narrow sidewalk downtown, I imagine I somehow lose my balance and fall into oncoming traffic. Or, I could be walking with a dish to the dinner table and then trip and fall right onto the dish, which will crack and impale itself in my neck. Or, that guy from the Scream movies could be under my bed.

I try not to devote too much time to these irrational thoughts, because then I'd end up in the corner of my bedroom, in the fetal position, softly rocking back and forth while singing Neil Diamond's Sweet Caroline over and over.

Instead, I go about my life the best I can and banish the irrational thoughts from my brain. Like a ninja. A banishing ninja. Which is way cooler than a regular ninja.

But the one thing I can't banish is my fear of needles. (Well, that and my fear of getting stuck on a ski lift with Shawn Ashmore. Seriously: never skiing, ever again.) Needles are scary.

Needles are so scary. I'm actually getting nauseous just thinking about them now. It's terrifying to think about needles. See, there's real terror in my eyes (I used a red arrow to really draw your attention to the terror.):

Also, isn't my turban thing snazzy? But anyway, NEEDLES.

A lot of people tell me that if I have tattoos, I shouldn't be afraid of needles. Those people have no idea what they're talking about. SHENANIGANS, I say.

A tattoo gun has a very teeny, tiny needle. It barely scratches the surface of your skin to deposit the ink.

A medical needle is BIG and GIGANTIC and full of evil FLUIDS that gets jammed into your ARM. Or is SUCKS blood out. Basically, it's the work of the devil. I Googled around for an evil picture of a vaccination needle, but I started to get sick from looking at all the pictures.

I have to go lie down now.


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