Friday, November 19

The most amazing book ever.

While Brother was at work, he stumbled across what is perhaps--nay, definitely!--the greatest book of all time. He didn't even have to open it. He could just tell from the cover.

Really, there are absolutely no words that can do this justice, so here it is:


All That the Rain Promises and More . . . A Hip Pocket Guide To Western Mushrooms

I know you really, really want to focus on the man in the tuxedo, with the trombone, and the handful of mushrooms and, well, his everything (especially his face), but I'll get to that in a moment.

First, I was unaware that the rain made promises, and mushroom promises at that. I was sort of under the impression that it fell from the sky, evaporated, and then went back up into the sky. A cycle, if you will. But apparently, this entire time, it's been promising people mushrooms. 

Mushrooms and more!

Maybe trombones. Or bearded men in tuxedos. I'm not entirely sure at this point. 

I also feel the need to point out that David Arora was being redundant in the second part of the title by using the word "hip". Clearly, a pocket guide to western mushrooms is hip, David. There's no need to state the obvious.

Okay. So now you can draw your attention back (but did it ever really leave?) to the dude in the tuxedo and join me in a jovial, "DOUBLE YOU, TEE, EFF?"

At first I was all, I don't even know, but then I found the following image and was all, that actually just confused me more:


So, so . . . SO, apparently mushroom lovers are "opportunivores". What this means is that this trombonist was picking mushrooms--I mean chanterelles--five minutes before a concert. And he was doing so gleefully. I don't know about "opportunivore", more like an "I'd-rather-hold-up-the-entire-concert-just-to-dig-up-some-mushrooms-because-I'm-hungry-and-is-it-okay-that-there's-mud-all-over-my-tuxedo-now-but-here-have-a-chanterelle-they're-delicious-vore." Also known as an asshole. 

Also, there appears to be some heated debate over chanterelles and boletes. Mohammad, I totally agree with you: there hasn't been a bolete I didn't like either. We might be mushroom soulmates. 


And here's a guy peering into a toaster. And apparently you can toast mushrooms. 


Now, children! Children are excellent at picking mushrooms, as they are low to the ground and can be convinced into doing just about anything if you threaten to take away the TV privileges. Also, you can wear mushrooms as hats--they keep your head dry, are fashionable, AND provide you with a snack. Amazing.


Now, I know what you are thinking, that this book must be a dream right? It's just too magical! But, thankfully, it is a real book. It does exist! Santa Claus, respect for the elderly, and knowing the difference between 'your' and 'you're' doesn't exist, but this book does. Thanks, life.

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