Sunday, April 1
Baa, ram, eww. (See what I did there? Ha.)
Last Sunday, my life changed forever. I wasn't expecting it, and I certainly didn't want it, but I sit here now, unable to un-see the things I have seen. It is safe to say I will forever be haunted by the memories of what transpired last Sunday.
Christian and I arrived at the AGO, thinking we were going to see some art ranging from mediocre to somewhat cool. We were paying for our tickets when I heard this strange sound. I wanted to comment to the ticket seller that it sounded like there was a sheep loose in the building.
You know, because of the baa-ing sound I could hear.
I kept the thought to myself because, well, of course there wasn't a sheep loose in the building. It was probably just some weird kid. With a very convincing sheep-like voice. Probably lives in a farm.
Christian and I made our way to the foyer on the museum's main floor when we noticed the crowd. And it was crowding--as crowds tend to do--around something.
What was it? Oh, just grown men and women dressed up in sheep costumes, baa-ing in an enclosure, Also, there was a shepherd. Also, I'm totally not making this up.
It was . . . performance art. (DUN, DUN, DUNNNNNN.)
We just stared. And then we stared at each other. And then we laughed nervously. I was all, "well I'm just glad it was actually 'sheep' I was hearing," and Christian was all, "Is that poop on the ground?"
Yes. It was. The costumes were built in such a way that the performers--I mean sheep. No actually, I don't, because they're not, so I'll go with Sheep Peoples from now on--could realistically pee and poop on the ground.
At this point, I'd like to reiterate that there was a large crowd, comprised of mostly families with small children, watching this entire thing. And they were loving it.
Christian and I watched for a few minutes, then decided that we had only Sort Of Hated performance art before, but now we Really Hated It. Although, I have to hand it to those Sheep Peoples: they really stayed in character.
We left to go attempt to find some real art, but we only managed to get a couple of rooms away before we heard the gasping. I got very excited, because I was certain a Sheep Peoples was being slaughtered (YES!), and we rushed back to the foyer.
Nope, no Sheep Peoples being slaughtered. Just one of the Sheep Peoples being milked. (No, really.) And then the shepherd handed out milk to the children. (Really, really.)
AND THEY DRANK IT. (REALLY, REALLY, REALLY.)
This disgusted Christian and I even more, and we decided to move upstairs to get as far away from the "performance art" as possible. We were just walking past a pillar into an upstairs room when I looked over and noticed something. I grabbed Christian and we ducked behind the opening of the doorway, Nancy Drew style, and peeked out.
"Why is that man taking off his pants?! Why is he wearing a unitard?!"
"Maybe he's a trapeze artist?" (This actually made sense, for some reason. I dunno--once you see Sheep Peoples, anything makes sense.)
"Wait. Wait. That's a hat with ears. And a tail. IT'S A WOLF. IT'S A WOLF."
Obviously, we had to go back. Shit was about to get real. Sheep Peoples were about to get slaughtered. We ran back, literally squealing in excitement.
Okay, I was the only one squealing in excitement.
We stood on the balcony overlooking the foyer. It turned out to be the perfect spot, because the Wolf Person ran down the same stairs we ran down, then hopped up on the balcony railing and howled, very loudly, right in my ear.
If any pictures of the Wolf Person howling on the balcony surface out there on the Internets, I played the part of the girl standing next to the Wolf Person, completely losing it in a fit of hysterical laughter.
I pulled myself together in eager anticipation for the slaughter (I swear, I'm a balanced, sane individual), but it was incredibly anticlimactic. The Wolf Person just scared the Sheep Peoples and bit one of them, but there was no blood, and the Sheep Peoples was totally okay. Totally unrealistic.
I mean, if you are going to go through all the trouble of building costumes to allow Sheep Peoples to realistically pee and poop and be milked, then you might as well build in some exploding blood packs. You've already permanently scarred the children with the entire milk thing--no need to hold back now. Come on!
It was over then, and then there was a Q&A. Yes, because I had a lot of questions. Mostly just Christian and I shouting "WHHYYYYYYY" over and over again.
But we learned that the performance art was from Quebec (figures), and the milk came from The Metro (sure it did), and the Sheep Peoples all had names: Julie, Marie-Louise, Bernadette, and Cesar. The Wolf Person didn't have a name, so I'll name him now: Darryl.
After that, Christian and I went to try to find some non baa-ing art. We managed to find a crazy person who specifically told Christian that he was the future. He used big hand gestures, so it must be true.
Also, I stood under some art.